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Opinion lead and headline

The Onion

New Report Finds Americans Most Interested In Science When Moon Looks Different Than Usual

ARLINGTON, VA—Explaining that readership of science-related articles and discussion of scientific concepts tends to surge at such times, a report released Thursday by the National Science Foundation confirmed that Americans are most interested in science when the moon looks different than normal.

“According to our findings, citizens are never more engaged by scientific disciplines than when the moon does not look like it regularly does—for example, when it becomes big or bright,” read the report in part, which added that while the nation’s interest in science is typically fairly minimal and consistent when the moon is its usual size and color, as soon as these properties of the moon differ in a noticeable way, millions of Americans begin displaying a desire to learn and share scientific knowledge.

“The moon is ordinarily white and relatively small, and science is not on most people’s minds. However, when the moon is no longer white and small, and instead happens to be large, reddish, temporarily darkened, or any combination of those things, people generally want to know more about the methodological study of natural phenomena. Of course, once the moon goes back to the way it normally looks, interest in how the universe works drops back to baseline levels.”

The report went on to mention that major changes to the Earth appeared not to garner Americans’ interest at all.

News Website Likes To Set Aside A Little Ad Space To Promote Own Articles

NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying they were proud to showcase the work done by their writers, executives at the New Haven Register told reporters Thursday they sometimes like to set aside a little ad space to promote the newspaper’s own articles.

“Every so often, at the bottom-right corner of our homepage, we’ll remove a small ad unit and display one or two pieces our staff produces,” said the newspaper’s publisher, Kevin Corrado, adding that the writers were always pleasantly surprised to discover that one of their investigative reports or feature stories had appeared on the website, even if it was in fairly small font and they had to scroll down a considerable amount to find it.

“Rewarding as it is, journalism can be an exhausting job, so it’s nice to highlight some of that hard work when a short-term gap in our ad coverage makes that feasible every once in a while.”

At press time, a sizable buy from JetBlue ensured that the paper would not be promoting its own articles for at least six weeks.

Poland Spring Develops New Eco-Friendly Bottle That Only Takes 300 Years To Decompose

POLAND, ME—Underscoring the company’s commitment to preserving the environment, Poland Spring announced Tuesday it had developed a new eco-friendly water bottle that decomposes in just 300 years.

“With our new eco-friendly plastic packaging, your discarded Poland Spring bottle will break down and be reclaimed by the earth in a mere three centuries—that’s almost 200 years faster than the industry standard,” said company spokesperson Dana Rodgers, noting that the change would begin saving space in landfills, reducing ocean waste, and cutting down on toxic chemicals leached into the soil as early as 2316. “You can breathe easy when purchasing refreshing Poland Spring water knowing that you’ll be leaving this world a cleaner, greener place for your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren.”

Officials added that the company was also working on a new smaller and less obstructive bottle cap that would moderately lengthen the amount of time a marine mammal would live after accidentally ingesting it.

Man Grateful To Live In Society Where Mattress Disappears If Left On Sidewalk For A Couple Days

COLUMBUS, OH—Emphasizing that such an impressive feat should not be taken for granted, local man Nathan Montgomery told reporters Wednesday he was incredibly grateful to live in a society where a mattress just disappears if it’s left outside on the sidewalk for a couple days.

“It’s nice to know that we have developed a culture in which, if you decide you no longer want a mattress, you can just drag it out to the curb, and two or three days later, it won’t be there anymore,” said Montgomery, marveling at how a member of our society need not even call anyone or tape up a sign alerting others that the mattress is free for the taking, and it would still vanish without a trace in little more than 48 hours. “I think it’s important to take a moment to appreciate a system that makes unwanted mattresses just go away. Imagine living in another, less enlightened civilization where you had to haul them to some kind of special disposal place. How thankful we should all be to live right here.”

At press time, Montgomery told reporters he also greatly appreciates being a part of a society where you can just vomit in public and never have to worry about cleaning it up.

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